Making Lists

When ever everything seems too overwhelming I find myself letting everything go and just curling up in a fetal position and wanting to sleep. So this week I didn't get anything done that I was supposed to. I didn't go to swim practice, I didn't go to LA for my meeting, I didn't run 175 minutes, I didn't lose weight, I spent too much money, I was late on a bill, I didn't grocerey shop, I didn't ride my bike or attach my clip ins, etc.

But it is Thursday, and there are things that I can still accomplish. So this week I am setting some goals - things I must do:

Thursday:
Run 75 minutes
Prep Shabbat Dinner
Grocerey Shop
Install Clip ins
Set up Printer
Unpack one box
Put away laundry

Friday:
Swim 30 minutes Bike 30 minutes
Host Shabbat Dinner
Pick up Dry Cleaning

Saturday:
Train
Unpack two boxes
Buy Curtain Rods
Buy Curtains
Install Curtains

Sunday
Cycle 120 minutes
Visit Grandma
Go to a concert with Jordan

I will check back in at the end of the weekend and see how I did....

Tweet Tweet Biiiiiiitch

In case you didn't know, I work as a social media, and I live and breath by the Mashabke blog. That blog is the only way I stay current. So I saw this video and it illustrates how someone might use Twitter to tweet about their lives. I think it exemplifies the reasons that people don't understand the use of Twitter.

They think people use it to update their friends with what they are doing, from eating breakfast to watching reruns of Sienfeld. Most people don't understand that tweeting is exactly like blogging, just with shorter entries. It is a means of exchanging ideas, expressing opinions, asking for ideas, etc. It is also, arguably, a way to connect professionally.

So while this video may be funny, don't be fooled, there is a lot more to Twitter than talking about running out of eggs:

Blood in the Water

Men have this innate ability to sense when a woman is getting vulnerable or ready to start dating, and so they circle, jockeying for position, trying to see if there is an angle where they can strike and make the kill. At least, that is how it feels to me. Let me recap the last couple of days.

Saturday we had a Havdallah at the Moishe House, it was nice and relaxing, and the setting at the beach was beautiful. Later we all went to the house and sat around and played Apples to Apples. At one point in the evening I ended up sitting on the floor next to one of my board members (Sketchers), and he put his arm around.

Now I will say now that Sketchers and I had some massive sexual tension when we met. I don't entirely know why... I mean, he is cute in a wholesome All-American kind of way, but so not my type. And I find his lack luster career less than ambitious. At one point in the past we did fool around (ok twice). It was kind of stupid, and kind of a relief that we got it out of the way, but clearly he wants to try again. And here is the thing, if I were to go for it, then it would be purely physical, but it annoys me that it is purely physical for him as well. I want him to be all sad and piney that I don't want him for anything but affection. ANYWAY, I was sitting next to him, he put his arm around me and at some point kissed me on the head!!! I couldn't believe it! Right in front of everyone. Some how, through a small miracle, no one seemed to see it.

Like my life isn't hard enough without raising more questions. So anyway, at some point in the evening he asks/offers to spend the night. I admit, some small portion of me was tempted. But my friend was spending the night and he is friends with The Musician, so if I want any chance with The Musician, I can't hook up with Sketchers again.

So that was Saturday, Sunday we had a hookah night that had a miserable turn out. I put a lot of effort in to the appearance and practically no one showed *blah*. But my friend "J"(who is not Jewish), showed up. And long story short, kissed me! WTH?!?!? I have known this guy for months, seen him maybe three times and now he wants to make out? He didn't ask me on a date, or to even "hang out" he just took advantage of the fact that I was home and accesible and went for it. Laaaaaaaaame.

On top of that, The Musician couldn't make it, so I spent the evening all dressed up exchanging dirty BBMs with NY Boy. I really miss him..... I would trade all of this for him.... But I am determined to meet someone new and move on. At least I get a chance to say "goodbye" when I see him in NY in August.

Going, going, going

Weight loss has always been hard for me, the first time I put on a lot of weight was after I graduated from college, I stopped being a ski instructor and started a desk job. I quickly gained 15 lbs, that to this day, I have not been able to lose. That was seven years ago!

Since that time I have lost and put back on the same 10 pounds. I haven't been content with my body in so long it is depressing. A few years ago I trained for a marathon because it seemed like the only way to motivate myself to get out and exercise. Yet after the marathon I was a strong 135lbs, but no slimmer. And thanks to the intense training, I was so burned out from running I didn't exercise again for close to two years. In that time I went up and down and peaked at 144lbs. My highest weight ever.

Not wanting to enter my 30's still depressed over my size, I analyzed what I did wrong. First, when I trained for the marathon I didn't watch what I ate. I figured putting in 10-15 hours a week running would allow me to eat what ever I wanted to, and still lose weight. That is not the case. I also learned that participating in one form of exercie, no matter how much you love it, will burn you out.

So fast forward to present day. I am training for a triathlon and I am doing Weight Watchers. I managed to lose five pounds on my own, so I stepped on the scale at 139 lbs, (one pound less than when I did weight watchers the first time). Since then, I have seen my personal scale go down to 135.2 lbs. Part of me is very happy, and part of me is depressed since this time last summer I was 128 lbs.

My goal is to get down to 115 lbs, I haven't weighed that since my Junior year of high school. So I am ready to deal with the fact that 115 lbs is never going to be doable, so I am setting my sights first on 120lbs.

I feel like I am not free to talk about my weight loss to my friends or the guys I have dated. They all roll their eyes and tell me I look great, and I have nothing to worry about. But these women are twigs! They eat everything in sight and they are size 2. I would love to be a size 2, but thanks to my genetics I will be thrilled if I fit in to a size 4. The only people that seem supportive are the friends that are also trying to lose weight.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want friends that nod their head and say "15 lbs? maybe you should consider losing 30 lbs." But on the flip side, I would love to hear a friend say "I think you would look amazing if you took that weight off, we should go shopping, or on a trip, or to the beach, to show off that hot bod when you are done. Do you want to borrow my amazing cookbook/workout video/personal trainer?"

So there you have it, another thing that I am slightly neurotic about.

Just When I Get Out...

he sucks me back in.

NY Boy doesn't do it on purpose. I know that he loves me, misses me, and gets me. Bonding with me is as natural as breathing for him. But he is ok, his days go in and out and as far as I can tell, he doesn't feel the same hole in his life that he has left in mine.

He feels like my missing piece, and every time I start to get excited about anyone else, he BBMs me (like today) and I am stuck at my desk, tearing up, wondering how I can live with out him, or how I can even finish work without breaking down...

Oh man, our song just came on.... to linger and listen or not? Lingering....

Breaking Down Barriers

When it comes to confrontation, debating, etc. I may come off as the expert, but in fact, my inability to back down has caused me plenty of trouble through the years. It isn't that I have to win (although I do like it), it is the fact that I can't handle constructive criticism. So when one of my board members (Superman) started explaining why he was discontent with the status quo, my instinct was to defend my decisions, which I did. The conversation quickly became pointless as we debated the state of the Jewish community in Orange County. Finally one of my roommates (Little Bro) pointed out that all Superman wanted to hear was that I could empathise with his position.

I realized at that moment that my biggest asset wasn't my debating skill, but my vulnerability. I have a really hard time being honest about how I am feeling. For some reason, I think I need to be indestructible, or at least appear to be. The second I started to speak from the heart and talk about why I loved what I was doing, and how hard it was at times to be in the position I was in Superman softened right up.

Some part of me felt guilty for "manipulating" him in to feeling "bad" for me. I don't know why I see it through those lens. I mean, being honest and vulnerable is not manipulative, but I felt guilt and shame in my vulnerability. I am sure some shrink can tell me where my deeply rooted distate for emotion came from, but for now, I just want to acknowledge my issue.

Oh and The Musician is friends with Superman. I mentioned that I had a "crush" outloud and Superman immediately pegged The Musician!! Apparently I am totally transparent when it comes to men... He did do some snooping for me, turns out The Musician thinks I am cute, nice, interesting, but he is really busy these days. And my other friend The Professor talked to The Israeli about me, and he isn't in a place in his life to date... WTF? I guess this just isn't the right time of year (or the right year) for anyone.

Don't Bother Trying to Catch Up

I have debated long and hard about writing a blog where I bare my soul to anyone that comes along. The vulnerability is uncomfortable to say the least, and the residual embarrassment (to myself and others) has held me back. However, I have been inspired by several bloggers who don't let their fear hold them back, they just write. So that is what I am going to do. And rather than try and give a lot of back story, I am just going to pick up from July.

So, in the last couple of weeks, I moved in to the Moishe House, decided to dissolve my own board for JewC, continued to train for a triathlon, miss my New York boy and become very sleep deprived texting with The Musician. I can tell that I am not managing my life well because I woke up excessively depressed today. I need time to myself, and I can tell that my neglect is really starting to spiral out of control.

Other high points from July, I basically told off my exboyfriend - My Gateway Jew - a few days ago. The reason we broke up doesn't even matter any more (but I will discuss it some day), but he walks around with this "woe is me attitude" and for some reason I feel solely responsible for his happiness (blah!) He is finally going to start dating again (a year after we broke up). I need him to start looking for someone else and leave me alone. I love him, I want to be friends, but I can't continue to worry about him.

I MISS MY NEW YORK BOY! Every day I think about it, but I can't tell him because he isn't in a place to hear it, and frankly, I am not in a place in my life to admit what it would mean if he was my Basher't. Instead I slowly am starting to obsess about The Musician, he is a new member to the Jewish community here in OC. I really dig him, but he is all wrong for me, starting with the fact that he is a musician, I always swore I needed someone that was as Corporate as me.

My other obsession is The Israeli, who would probably never speak to me again if he knew I was writing about him in my blog. I have known him for about nine months, but up until recently I just thought he was a cute, nice guy. I love his smile, I like the way he looks at me, he has these piercing eyes that seem to see right through me and how intelligent he is. Weeks ago I promised to buy him a birthday drink since I missed his birthday party (New York Boy was in town). On Saturday he said that he would collect on the drink this week. It is now Wednesday.... what are the odds he is going to call? Slim to none. You know what that means? It means that I have to write him off. When you give a guy the perfect "in" and he commits to a time frame and then doesn't call, he just isn't that in to you. *le sigh*

So that is what is on my mind, I am totally and utterly distracted and scattered, I keep thinking I need to pull it together quickly before someone sees through my facade.