Breaking Down Barriers

When it comes to confrontation, debating, etc. I may come off as the expert, but in fact, my inability to back down has caused me plenty of trouble through the years. It isn't that I have to win (although I do like it), it is the fact that I can't handle constructive criticism. So when one of my board members (Superman) started explaining why he was discontent with the status quo, my instinct was to defend my decisions, which I did. The conversation quickly became pointless as we debated the state of the Jewish community in Orange County. Finally one of my roommates (Little Bro) pointed out that all Superman wanted to hear was that I could empathise with his position.

I realized at that moment that my biggest asset wasn't my debating skill, but my vulnerability. I have a really hard time being honest about how I am feeling. For some reason, I think I need to be indestructible, or at least appear to be. The second I started to speak from the heart and talk about why I loved what I was doing, and how hard it was at times to be in the position I was in Superman softened right up.

Some part of me felt guilty for "manipulating" him in to feeling "bad" for me. I don't know why I see it through those lens. I mean, being honest and vulnerable is not manipulative, but I felt guilt and shame in my vulnerability. I am sure some shrink can tell me where my deeply rooted distate for emotion came from, but for now, I just want to acknowledge my issue.

Oh and The Musician is friends with Superman. I mentioned that I had a "crush" outloud and Superman immediately pegged The Musician!! Apparently I am totally transparent when it comes to men... He did do some snooping for me, turns out The Musician thinks I am cute, nice, interesting, but he is really busy these days. And my other friend The Professor talked to The Israeli about me, and he isn't in a place in his life to date... WTF? I guess this just isn't the right time of year (or the right year) for anyone.

Don't Bother Trying to Catch Up

I have debated long and hard about writing a blog where I bare my soul to anyone that comes along. The vulnerability is uncomfortable to say the least, and the residual embarrassment (to myself and others) has held me back. However, I have been inspired by several bloggers who don't let their fear hold them back, they just write. So that is what I am going to do. And rather than try and give a lot of back story, I am just going to pick up from July.

So, in the last couple of weeks, I moved in to the Moishe House, decided to dissolve my own board for JewC, continued to train for a triathlon, miss my New York boy and become very sleep deprived texting with The Musician. I can tell that I am not managing my life well because I woke up excessively depressed today. I need time to myself, and I can tell that my neglect is really starting to spiral out of control.

Other high points from July, I basically told off my exboyfriend - My Gateway Jew - a few days ago. The reason we broke up doesn't even matter any more (but I will discuss it some day), but he walks around with this "woe is me attitude" and for some reason I feel solely responsible for his happiness (blah!) He is finally going to start dating again (a year after we broke up). I need him to start looking for someone else and leave me alone. I love him, I want to be friends, but I can't continue to worry about him.

I MISS MY NEW YORK BOY! Every day I think about it, but I can't tell him because he isn't in a place to hear it, and frankly, I am not in a place in my life to admit what it would mean if he was my Basher't. Instead I slowly am starting to obsess about The Musician, he is a new member to the Jewish community here in OC. I really dig him, but he is all wrong for me, starting with the fact that he is a musician, I always swore I needed someone that was as Corporate as me.

My other obsession is The Israeli, who would probably never speak to me again if he knew I was writing about him in my blog. I have known him for about nine months, but up until recently I just thought he was a cute, nice guy. I love his smile, I like the way he looks at me, he has these piercing eyes that seem to see right through me and how intelligent he is. Weeks ago I promised to buy him a birthday drink since I missed his birthday party (New York Boy was in town). On Saturday he said that he would collect on the drink this week. It is now Wednesday.... what are the odds he is going to call? Slim to none. You know what that means? It means that I have to write him off. When you give a guy the perfect "in" and he commits to a time frame and then doesn't call, he just isn't that in to you. *le sigh*

So that is what is on my mind, I am totally and utterly distracted and scattered, I keep thinking I need to pull it together quickly before someone sees through my facade.