Slightly Neurotic

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Don't Bother Trying to Catch Up

I have debated long and hard about writing a blog where I bare my soul to anyone that comes along. The vulnerability is uncomfortable to say the least, and the residual embarrassment (to myself and others) has held me back. However, I have been inspired by several bloggers who don't let their fear hold them back, they just write. So that is what I am going to do. And rather than try and give a lot of back story, I am just going to pick up from July.

So, in the last couple of weeks, I moved in to the Moishe House, decided to dissolve my own board for JewC, continued to train for a triathlon, miss my New York boy and become very sleep deprived texting with The Musician. I can tell that I am not managing my life well because I woke up excessively depressed today. I need time to myself, and I can tell that my neglect is really starting to spiral out of control.

Other high points from July, I basically told off my exboyfriend - My Gateway Jew - a few days ago. The reason we broke up doesn't even matter any more (but I will discuss it some day), but he walks around with this "woe is me attitude" and for some reason I feel solely responsible for his happiness (blah!) He is finally going to start dating again (a year after we broke up). I need him to start looking for someone else and leave me alone. I love him, I want to be friends, but I can't continue to worry about him.

I MISS MY NEW YORK BOY! Every day I think about it, but I can't tell him because he isn't in a place to hear it, and frankly, I am not in a place in my life to admit what it would mean if he was my Basher't. Instead I slowly am starting to obsess about The Musician, he is a new member to the Jewish community here in OC. I really dig him, but he is all wrong for me, starting with the fact that he is a musician, I always swore I needed someone that was as Corporate as me.

My other obsession is The Israeli, who would probably never speak to me again if he knew I was writing about him in my blog. I have known him for about nine months, but up until recently I just thought he was a cute, nice guy. I love his smile, I like the way he looks at me, he has these piercing eyes that seem to see right through me and how intelligent he is. Weeks ago I promised to buy him a birthday drink since I missed his birthday party (New York Boy was in town). On Saturday he said that he would collect on the drink this week. It is now Wednesday.... what are the odds he is going to call? Slim to none. You know what that means? It means that I have to write him off. When you give a guy the perfect "in" and he commits to a time frame and then doesn't call, he just isn't that in to you. *le sigh*

So that is what is on my mind, I am totally and utterly distracted and scattered, I keep thinking I need to pull it together quickly before someone sees through my facade.

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