Slightly Neurotic

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Breaking Down Barriers

When it comes to confrontation, debating, etc. I may come off as the expert, but in fact, my inability to back down has caused me plenty of trouble through the years. It isn't that I have to win (although I do like it), it is the fact that I can't handle constructive criticism. So when one of my board members (Superman) started explaining why he was discontent with the status quo, my instinct was to defend my decisions, which I did. The conversation quickly became pointless as we debated the state of the Jewish community in Orange County. Finally one of my roommates (Little Bro) pointed out that all Superman wanted to hear was that I could empathise with his position.

I realized at that moment that my biggest asset wasn't my debating skill, but my vulnerability. I have a really hard time being honest about how I am feeling. For some reason, I think I need to be indestructible, or at least appear to be. The second I started to speak from the heart and talk about why I loved what I was doing, and how hard it was at times to be in the position I was in Superman softened right up.

Some part of me felt guilty for "manipulating" him in to feeling "bad" for me. I don't know why I see it through those lens. I mean, being honest and vulnerable is not manipulative, but I felt guilt and shame in my vulnerability. I am sure some shrink can tell me where my deeply rooted distate for emotion came from, but for now, I just want to acknowledge my issue.

Oh and The Musician is friends with Superman. I mentioned that I had a "crush" outloud and Superman immediately pegged The Musician!! Apparently I am totally transparent when it comes to men... He did do some snooping for me, turns out The Musician thinks I am cute, nice, interesting, but he is really busy these days. And my other friend The Professor talked to The Israeli about me, and he isn't in a place in his life to date... WTF? I guess this just isn't the right time of year (or the right year) for anyone.

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